I’m trying to understand the anatomy of disagreement.

In an argument, mostly, both sides are right. That is to say that both sides are describing a truth to the other. If there is no agenda, negative outcome or emotion involved, both sides should be able to acknowledge the others point of view. Then, both parties can decide whether to stay on their existing path or change.

The problem, however, is there is almost always an agenda or hubris involved, meaning that either one or both sides are dishonest, or will overstate their position, or not listen to the opposing argument.

In this case, talks break down and arguments become extreme and the value of the points made are lost or overstated. If there is an agenda, then often the argument itself is false and a distraction from the real intent.

And so we find war erupting, whether that be physical war, legal battles or community fractures.

In this scenario, neither side is able to listen to, let alone acknowledge the other and both parties stick to their own points, amplifying their arguments importance beyond reason.

Is there a solution, apart from external mediation?

Potentially. One technique stems from a business concept, my late father, a much better man than I, taught me.

In business negotiations, always give the other side more than they are asking. Once they are happy, ask for what you want. In most cases, they will happily pay the price.

Another lesson can be learned from the world of martial arts. Use your enemies strength against them. In this world, if they are hitting you, don’t defend it, take the punch and pull it towards you, while stepping aside, thus unbalancing them.

In an argument. If they are making an opposing point, agree with them. In fact take their point and expand it, agreeing with it fully. If they insult you, agree with the slur and amplify it.

This is the same principle as my father business technique. You give the other side what they want before taking what you want.

Most importantly though, remove your hubris. Don’t just not care about the damage your ego may be taking, embrace it. If you practice this long enough, your hubris will disappear. At this point, you will be able to elevate your arguments by removing your dependence on defending your ego. More than that, you will be able to manipulate the other sides ego against them. Either by nursing it and making them feel important, or by showing them their reliance on it, making them feel their vulnerability.